Captain Three Leg / Mean Dave

by Captain Three Leg / Mean Dave



Forged in a fire of bad sex, bad parenting, bad culture, bad food, bad bands, bad people, bad places and bad things, Mean Dave is a comedian who thought he was a musician the same way Happy Gilmore was a golfer who thought he was a hockey player. This release captures two unique performances of his comedy act performed in the SF/Oakland Bay Area, recorded for posterity before he winds up on TV, or murdered, or both. Captain Three Leg, Iowa’s longest running grind/hardcore/whatever band, digs into the archives to perform new versions of songs they wrote when they were still squeezing zits in high school. Plowing through 20 songs in 15 minutes, C3L tackles timeless, hard-hitting subjects like public restrooms, hot chocolate, and cannibalism.


released December 7, 2013

Tracks 1-18 = Captain Three Leg, recorded October 13, 2013 on a Fostex XR-7 Multitracker with additional overdubs done with Reaper + mastered by Stumblefuck at Hundskit Studios. All songs written by Unisex (Shepard/Hoff/Koettel/Carroll) in 1993.

Andy - Big Strings, Small Strings, "Stone" + Bad Breath
Brian - Big Steel Drum + Bad Breath

Tracks 19-20 = Mean Dave, recorded live@ Christy's On the Square, Santa Rosa, CA 9/17/2013 and @ Kimball's, Oakland, CA 11/14/2012 on a Sony IC Recorder ICD-PX820.

Cover art by Frank M. Oblak. Back cover by Victor M. Pacheco.



Track Name: Captain Three Leg - Fallen Trees
Track Name: Captain Three Leg - The Unfriendly Store
I walk into this store
I say hello, I say hello
This guy stares at me
He says nothing, he says nothing

What did I do to this non-social asshole?
He’s looking at me like I just fucked his mom
His eyes, his eyes look like cherry bombs
Cherry bombs

No, no cherry bombs
No, no cherries
No, no cherry bombs
No, no cherry bombs
Track Name: Captain Three Leg - Adam Turner's Dick
Track Name: Captain Three Leg - I Still Like You
Even though you kicked me in the balls
I like you
Even though you threw me to the ground
I like you
Even though you spit in my eyes
I like you

Please, please be my friend
I thought we’d be together till the end
Now I’m all black and blue
But I still say…

I like you (x3)
I like you, you, you and you
Track Name: Captain Three Leg - Duck Crossing + Got No Teeth
Quack, quack, splat!

Got no teeth
Don’t need no toothpaste
Track Name: Captain Three Leg - Flood
Stop and open my eyes
Find truth and lies intertwined
Truth lies! Truth lies!
Find my head boxed in lines
Darkness engulfs me and hate unwinds
Fighting to see (open my eyes)
Fighting to be (open my eyes)
And I’ve got just one question
When power becomes obsession
And I’m boxed in greed and possession
How long will it last? (open my eyes)
How long can it go? (open my eyes)
How blind are we?
I want to know
Track Name: Captain Three Leg - Brown Cow
How now, brown cow?
Track Name: Captain Three Leg - I Like Breakfast
Blood-soaked breakfasts are the best
I love them so much I can hardly rest
Eating like this is so much fun
Ha, ha… look at Granny run

Run, Granny, Run – Run, run
Run, Granny, run – Run, run

Hey, pass me those scrambled legs
Then I’ll be ready for the Granny steaks
Track Name: Captain Three Leg - Kool-Aid & Crayons
Track Name: Captain Three Leg - Disabled Me
Looking around at the people I see
Why do they seem so afraid of me?
Just because I don’t have a nose or an eye
Sure doesn’t give them a reason to fight

Me, disabled me (x2)

I wish people would just leave me alone
So I can get some sleep at home
Kids running around making fun of me
Oh, please God, let me be

Me, disabled me (x2)
Track Name: Captain Three Leg - Gardener's Anthem
I spend my life cutting down trees
Trimming up branches
Getting rid of weeds
Fighting off mosquitoes
Chase dogs on the run
Being a groundskeeper isn’t any fun
Track Name: Captain Three Leg - Ralph
Pasty pictures of a guy named Ralph
Airing his views for all to see
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah
All day long

Disagreement, then humility
His ignorance turns to violence
Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang
Till they’re all gone

Poor old Ralph in front of the judge
Exhibit “A” on display
They’re gonna throw, throw, throw, throw, throw, throw
Throw you in jail

Thirty long years and twenty-two dead
As Ralph looks back on his day
He got, got, got, got, got
To speak his mind

Don’t drop the soap (x8)
Track Name: Captain Three Leg - Wipe, Flush, Wash & Leave
Blast away and never aim
Just spray with no regrets
If you’re a miss, you’ll sit in piss
That toilet seat’s a mess

The soap dispenser’s empty
And the trash is overfilled
Wipe, flush, wash & leave
Track Name: Captain Three Leg - Broken Spence
Track Name: Captain Three Leg - Cheese Omelette
Omelette du Fromage
Cheese omelette!
Track Name: Captain Three Leg - Ceiling Fan Massacre
Spinning round and round
The blades of a ceiling fan
Installed it much too quickly
Say hello to death

Nuts and bolts falling down
The blades rip through your head
Your blood splatters on the wall
Sit and laugh while you lie dead
Track Name: Captain Three Leg - Abandoned Brandon (King of the Dancefloor)
Left on someone’s front door
When he was only four years old
Parents didn’t like him at all
Unwanted and completely alone

Taken in by somebody else
Someone to finally fill the void
Brandon was so god damn happy
Jumped to his feet and danced up a storm

Every night and every day
He would rip up the dance floor
Improving his steps every time
His dance skills couldn’t be matched

People came from miles around
Begging Brandon to display his stuff
He would say “Get out of my way.
This dance floor has my name all over it.”

Brandon, please dance with me
Feet shuffling like Fred Astaire
Brandon is the dancing king
Look at him go, it’s really amazing

Brandon’s life is sublime
Things couldn’t be much better

Polish up your dancing shoes
Brandon “Teen Idol” is coming to town
Track Name: Captain Three Leg - Hi-C + Hot Chocolate

Brush the snow off of my clothing
As I come in from the cold
Pour the hot chocolate
Defrost my frozen bones

As the liquid flows down my throat
I regain feeling in my toes
The warm sensation, don’t stop there
Drinking my cocoa in my underwear

Marshmallows on top
Keep them coming, just don’t stop
Drink it ‘till it’s gone
Oh, hot chocolate you’re the one for me
When it is cold outside

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