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Captain Three Leg / Mean Dave

by Captain Three Leg / Mean Dave

/
1.
(instrumental)
2.
I walk into this store I say hello, I say hello This guy stares at me He says nothing, he says nothing What did I do to this non-social asshole? He’s looking at me like I just fucked his mom His eyes, his eyes look like cherry bombs Cherry bombs No, no cherry bombs No, no cherries No, no cherry bombs No, no cherry bombs
3.
(instrumental)
4.
Even though you kicked me in the balls I like you Even though you threw me to the ground I like you Even though you spit in my eyes I like you Please, please be my friend I thought we’d be together till the end Now I’m all black and blue But I still say… I like you (x3) I like you, you, you and you
5.
DUCK CROSSING Quack, quack, splat! GOT NO TEETH Got no teeth Don’t need no toothpaste
6.
Stop and open my eyes Find truth and lies intertwined Truth lies! Truth lies! Find my head boxed in lines Darkness engulfs me and hate unwinds Fighting to see (open my eyes) Fighting to be (open my eyes) And I’ve got just one question When power becomes obsession And I’m boxed in greed and possession How long will it last? (open my eyes) How long can it go? (open my eyes) How blind are we? I want to know
7.
How now, brown cow? Moo!
8.
Blood-soaked breakfasts are the best I love them so much I can hardly rest Eating like this is so much fun Ha, ha… look at Granny run Run, Granny, Run – Run, run Run, Granny, run – Run, run Hey, pass me those scrambled legs Then I’ll be ready for the Granny steaks
9.
(instrumental)
10.
Looking around at the people I see Why do they seem so afraid of me? Just because I don’t have a nose or an eye Sure doesn’t give them a reason to fight Me, disabled me (x2) I wish people would just leave me alone So I can get some sleep at home Kids running around making fun of me Oh, please God, let me be Me, disabled me (x2)
11.
I spend my life cutting down trees Trimming up branches Getting rid of weeds Fighting off mosquitoes Chase dogs on the run Being a groundskeeper isn’t any fun
12.
Pasty pictures of a guy named Ralph Airing his views for all to see Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah All day long Disagreement, then humility His ignorance turns to violence Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang Till they’re all gone Poor old Ralph in front of the judge Exhibit “A” on display They’re gonna throw, throw, throw, throw, throw, throw Throw you in jail Thirty long years and twenty-two dead As Ralph looks back on his day He got, got, got, got, got To speak his mind Don’t drop the soap (x8)
13.
Blast away and never aim Just spray with no regrets If you’re a miss, you’ll sit in piss That toilet seat’s a mess The soap dispenser’s empty And the trash is overfilled Wipe, flush, wash & leave
14.
(instrumental)
15.
Omelette du Fromage Cheese omelette!
16.
Spinning round and round The blades of a ceiling fan Installed it much too quickly Say hello to death Nuts and bolts falling down The blades rip through your head Your blood splatters on the wall Sit and laugh while you lie dead
17.
Left on someone’s front door When he was only four years old Parents didn’t like him at all Unwanted and completely alone Taken in by somebody else Someone to finally fill the void Brandon was so god damn happy Jumped to his feet and danced up a storm Every night and every day He would rip up the dance floor Improving his steps every time His dance skills couldn’t be matched People came from miles around Begging Brandon to display his stuff He would say “Get out of my way. This dance floor has my name all over it.” Brandon, please dance with me Feet shuffling like Fred Astaire Brandon is the dancing king Look at him go, it’s really amazing Brandon’s life is sublime Things couldn’t be much better Polish up your dancing shoes Brandon “Teen Idol” is coming to town
18.
HI-C Hi! HOT CHOCLOATE Brush the snow off of my clothing As I come in from the cold Pour the hot chocolate Defrost my frozen bones As the liquid flows down my throat I regain feeling in my toes The warm sensation, don’t stop there Drinking my cocoa in my underwear Marshmallows on top Keep them coming, just don’t stop Drink it ‘till it’s gone Oh, hot chocolate you’re the one for me When it is cold outside
19.
20.

about

Forged in a fire of bad sex, bad parenting, bad culture, bad food, bad bands, bad people, bad places and bad things, Mean Dave is a comedian who thought he was a musician the same way Happy Gilmore was a golfer who thought he was a hockey player. This release captures two unique performances of his comedy act performed in the SF/Oakland Bay Area, recorded for posterity before he winds up on TV, or murdered, or both. Captain Three Leg, Iowa’s longest running grind/hardcore/whatever band, digs into the archives to perform new versions of songs they wrote when they were still squeezing zits in high school. Plowing through 20 songs in 15 minutes, C3L tackles timeless, hard-hitting subjects like public restrooms, hot chocolate, and cannibalism.

credits

released December 7, 2013

Tracks 1-18 = Captain Three Leg, recorded October 13, 2013 on a Fostex XR-7 Multitracker with additional overdubs done with Reaper + mastered by Stumblefuck at Hundskit Studios. All songs written by Unisex (Shepard/Hoff/Koettel/Carroll) in 1993.

Andy - Big Strings, Small Strings, "Stone" + Bad Breath
Brian - Big Steel Drum + Bad Breath

Tracks 19-20 = Mean Dave, recorded live@ Christy's On the Square, Santa Rosa, CA 9/17/2013 and @ Kimball's, Oakland, CA 11/14/2012 on a Sony IC Recorder ICD-PX820.

Cover art by Frank M. Oblak. Back cover by Victor M. Pacheco.

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